Should I put the heating on?

Blog off?

feelingchilly — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 23:00:04 +0000

Sorry I’m so bad at blogging. I’m trying to work out if it’s worth my time blogging. I find it cathartic but tbh I’m not really writing anything atm.

You should look at this

http://ontheapparatus.tumblr.com/

and this

http://tumblr.tryingtofollow.com/

Maybe I should start a tumblr? I’m a terrible blogger!

obsession

feelingchilly — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 17:49:45 +0000

Everyone is obsessed with the fact that I’m gay.

One of the reasons I came out when I did was that I was bored thinking about it. It’s not a big deal and I was sick of making it one by thinking about it all the time.

So… Why won’t anyone else shut up about it? My girlfriend isn’t here. I’m not doing anything particularly ‘gay’ (idk what that would look like) but yet it’s the only topic of conversation with my sister who thinks it’s hilarious that the ‘good one’ has done something ‘bad’… Uh huh? If a stable relationship with the medic daughter of a minister is the worst I can do then I must be more boring than I thought.

That plus my parents are tripping over themselves trying to be ok with it.

Is it too much to ask to just be treated the same way as before?

Today

feelingchilly — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 23:57:05 +0000

Today I went shopping with my seester to buy mrs chilly(which will do as a name for the time being)’s main Christmas present. As she’s probably reading I won’t tell you what I got her apart from that it’s gorgeous and tiny. There’s one more part of her gift to get but it’s heavy so I’ll wait til after I fly home to buy it.

Please keep my beautiful girl in your prayers as her uncle died last night. I wish I could be there for her right now. I feel very far away.

Grand Plan

feelingchilly — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 20:02:29 +0000

My flatmate has a grand plan. She sort of knows how her career will look and now I’m a bit intimidated. I’m still pretty sure I want to be a doctor which is a start but I feel a bit odd as a medic when I say that I’m very much up for letting my personal life guide me.

Ideally I would like to live in community in a big city. I’d like to share life with people in a big noisy way. I want to live with people that love me. I want to commit to one relationship. I want to cook massive pots of food for the people I live with and I never want life to get too quiet.

I love medicine. I want to be a doctor but not the scary over-achieving kind (very few of them seem to still have a soul). I want to be the best doctor I can be to every patient I ever see. That’s a big job. I won’t have time to do much more than that. I don’t want to be a jet setting person. I don’t want to wear a suit.

I just want to still be me in 20 years time… not to lose myself in it all. To do things that are good for the soul. I don’t know whether to say it but I’d be happy to be average. Erm… This is new ground for me…

It’s very cold

feelingchilly — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 15:11:56 +0000

It’s very cold… very very cold.

Today I

had an exam in which I wrote that Nazis were probably wrong in the way they performed medical experiments (no shit… really?!)
Went for lunch in a wonderful wee hippy tea room with my girlfriend (who needs a blog name… suggestions welcome) where I had hummus and pitta with a pot of yogi chai
went to as yet unnamed girlfriend’s house to pick up index cards to write presentation for tomorrow
watched gf try on dresses
Walked home (forgetting to buy loo roll)
sat down and listened to this

and that’s it… I have done nothing since I came home….

Must go do that presentation!

I had a secret

feelingchilly — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 18:23:39 +0000

When I was almost 15 years old I became a Christian at Summer Madness, “Ireland’s largest Christian festival”. To give you some indication of what sort of religious experience this was- Andy Flan was singing Here I am to worship by Tim Hughes, I was standing with people I had never met, I’d lost my voice and I had my hands in the air. I was caught up, I knew everything. There was no doubt in my mind and I prayed the prayer…

Elsewhere at summer madness…. I was sharing a tent with my occasionally self loathing gay friend Christine and her then girlfriend.

Christine went on to dump the girlfriend (for ‘religious reasons’) at another Christian event the next February. At March mannafest that year 2 other friends decided to leave the church because they were gay.

I had a secret… When I had wee adolescent fantasies they were about girls… When I later started to read erotica online…. that was about girls too… and even later when I had a bit of a problem with porn… that was girls too.

I had a lot of trouble seeing how this little secret related to my real life. In real life I was meant to pretend to never to think about sex before I married a nice Christian boy and having nice Christian babies. In my secret life I would read lesbian erotica, think about girls I fancied and… well… ask God for forgiveness all the time and feel shit about myself.

I don’t know where I got the idea that being gay was wrong. I was surrounded by good influences… 2 of my primary school teachers were in a committed relationship and now an inspiring civil partnership, one of my ministers at that time was gay and a good friend from that time had just started going out with the love of his life and and although he was struggling with the church, he never thought that God didn’t love him.

I was deeply convicted of my ‘wrongness’ and that is a very uncomfortable place to be. It took a lot of undoing but I really believe that God loves me just as I am.

Read this…

Make-up/gender and things that swirl around in my wee head

feelingchilly — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 16:26:47 +0000

I realised a few days ago that I can’t remember the last time I opened my make-up bag. This is both good and bad. The good bit stems from the reason… I don’t wear make-up every day because my girlfriend doesn’t like me to. She likes me better without make-up and she makes me feel beautiful enough not to need it.

The drawback of this is that I really like playing dress up. I love putting make-up on and being really girly. I particularly like taking my make-up off at the end of the day and being told I look better without it. I know that sounds odd.

We were talking about gender this week in the student group I am a part of and it got me thinking about myself and my own gender. I reject the traditional binary model of gender so, I suppose, that means all things are open to me. I can indulge my masculine and feminine sides and everything in between. I’m pretty masculine… I’ve been told I have a masculine energy. I’m also short with long curly hair, like heels, adore girly tv etc. I think I was a bit scared that when I came out I’d have to be a dyke.

I’m not an idiot. I know that all lesbians aren’t butch but I was chatting with a gay friend recently who said that because he wasn’t a sexy androgynous gay guy then he subconsciously thought he had to be a ‘screaming queen’. I’m not a sexy androgynous gay girl. I’m overweight and opinionated. I wear big boots so I don’t get cold and I thought that I’d gravitate towards a flannel shirt wearing stereotype. I know myself well enough to know that I like labels. I like to put myself in a box. I love to know where I stand. The problem is I’m just me. Today I’m wearing a lot of black (a nod to my goth days) with a big hoodie (it’s really cold). On Christmas day I’ll be wearing a pretty short black and white dress. It doesn’t matter. I’m just getting my head around how much it doesn’t matter.

Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout
is a beautiful woman without good sense.

-Proverbs 11:22

More on this soon I think… right now I’m procrastinating!

Welcome

feelingchilly — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 14:19:12 +0000

Hi, by now you should have read my ’50 things’. That gives you the basics. I’m a 22 year old gay episcopalian. I was brought up in the Presbyterian church in Ireland.

I made this blog so I could talk freely about myself. I hope that’s ok with everyone. Please comment I like a chat!